First, a confession: I’ve let a few people down in the past several months. Not the least of which is the folks of the RevGalBlogPals for whose book (see sidebar) I added my name to the amazing list of writers who were going to write reflections. I failed to write my reflections. Singing Owl, I believe stepped up to write the ones I was planning procrastinating to write. I have many excuses and many reasons too, but basically, I just didn’t get it done. And I’m sorry. However, I’ve already ordered the book and I am hoping that some of those who read my blog will too.
Second, an update: I took a leave of absence from my MA Theology program at the GTU this semester. I am at the ABT point of my program – All But Thesis – and well, that’s just the way it’s going to be for a while. I really wanted to get it written, I wanted to finish up, I wanted to publish my thoughts in both thesis format and perhaps, God and some unsuspecting publisher willing, a book. Yet the words would not flow. The writing would not happen. And I needed to do some assessing and put first things first. So….
I’ve moved to live with and care for my mother as she moves through the more and more complex world that is cancer and its treatment. In the early months of this year she began "falling down." And so rather than place her in an assisted living situation which she can’t afford and wouldn’t like anyway, some meetings were orchestrated among my sisters, my prioress, my school advisor, my family and my spiritual counselors (including that holy, healing, Holy Spirit.)
And now, I live in San Jose, in an older people’s mobile home park, and it feels right to be here (though there are some serious moments of grand humor to be had here!) I’ve also taken a ministry position at a Catholic high school in the vicinity as the part time coordinator of campus ministry. I’m really looking forward to that (particularly as it takes off next fall) and the "break" it will give me from the rather close confines of Chez Mom.
I cannot but feel blessed and overwhelmed with gratitude that I have this opportunity to be here for Mom; to put my brother and sisters’ minds at ease about her care; to be challenged to grow in so many personal ways; to learn and be with Mom as she moves through these last however many, what? weeks, months, years? of her life. My community has been nothing but supportive and I am still an active member and eager to continue to be so. My friends have been great and my brother has been generous with his truck and his strength (and some great cds too).
And yes, there are sacrifices that I am trying to make willingly and with "sunny self forgetfulness," as one of our late sisters is oft quoted as inviting. Community living, which has been such a blessing and challenge for me for the past 10 years; the friends I have in San Francisco; a wonderful local group of sisters whom I love and miss; San Francisco!; a lovely room that was spacious and light…(Did I mention San Francisco?)
Anyway, making the decision to move, looking for a job, packing up and moving, agonizing internally and with others over the changes in my mother’s health and independence; the various commitments of time and leadership I’ve been sharing ongoingly in the community and with the Catholic Young Adult world, the embarrassment of not finishing my thesis; the challenges associated with a new "independent living" budget process; and more. The writing just hasn’t been coming.
Maybe now it will, maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll get around to blogging about all the great podcasts I’ve found in the interim and some wonderful blogs as well. Maybe I’ll get my act together. Ah, maybe not. I’m learning more and more to be patient with myself; to forgive myself; to be open to others; and to just be.
"Yeeshk," as my mother would say, I do go on.
11 comments
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May 10, 2006 at 6:58 am
susan rose
Christine,
How wonderful that you’ll be able to journey at this time with your mom.
I look back to the last days/months/years with my mom as she experienced cancer and the assorted things that go with it. The time I was able to spend with her was so important.
Blessings on the transitions!
May 10, 2006 at 1:19 pm
bob
when can I take you to lunch ?
May 11, 2006 at 8:02 am
LutheranChik
When I moved back home to help my mother, everyone — my coworkers at the job I left, my therapist, etc. — thought I was making A Big Mistake. Later on, after I’d moved, when I came back to churchgoing, I was explaining my living situation to my clergyperson, who said, “What you’re doing is a good thing” — and I just burst into tears, because NO ONE else in my life had told me that.
What you’re doing is a good thing.;-)
I lost my mom last month, and looking back I can see that our time together was a gift; it helped us reconnect in my adulthood, and get to relate to one another as “grownups.”
May 11, 2006 at 10:10 am
Christine Wilcox, OP
thank you so much. each of you. LC, you made me cry too. I needed to hear that right now too.
May 11, 2006 at 3:52 pm
Radio 45
I was there with my mom. I think you will find these times as the most challenging and yet the most rewarding. You will be very pleased with the fact that your mom really appreciates this, and you will be there for her whatever happens. You will actually grow closer to your mom for this and that will be rewarding in itself. And, listen, San Francisco is not going anywhere. It wil always be around, ok?
May 14, 2006 at 5:20 am
Lisa
Chris, don’t be embarrassed about the thesis. These timelines are human-made. You’ll finish in your and God’s time, when it’s all right and the words come naturally. Be gentle with yourself!
May 14, 2006 at 9:19 pm
SingingOwl
I agree with Radio 45. It will come when it does and it will be right. I am caring for my elderly mother, and it has not been without serious and significant challenges, but it was “right” as you said. And is–she is still here. ((((((((SC)))))
May 16, 2006 at 8:40 pm
JerseyGirl
Hey, it’s me: your personal procrastination coach, remember? Ummm, about that thesis… IT’s OK! I am absolving you of all guilt on this one. This is not a “bright shiny object” issue; you are not being distracted by the sudden need to organize your Christmas CD collection. This one is real life.
May 17, 2006 at 12:08 pm
Christine
Thanks, my JerseyGirl! Rock on.
May 21, 2006 at 5:16 am
Aneesah
hey christine- your dominican sister friend here! i am doing my early morning jog through your blog and was amazed at your story and what you are going through now.
you are doing the right thing! you are!
this february i went home to southern california to be with my mom. i thought i was going for a few weeks to help her through a rough patch of multiple visits to the hospital. we were never close, and i was surprised when she asked me to come. we never assumed anything!
i ended up staying over a month and in that month my brothers and i bid her farwell.
it was the hardest, ickyist month of my life…it broke my heart to see and be with this women who was failing every minute, right before my eyes.
now, i am back in my commmunity life and it seems that everyday i think of a moment, an event, a funny joke, tv program, crossword puzzle, trying to nail something soen that she could eat… that my mom and i shared together. one night, as we were going though the bedtime regime, she had me go for sugar packets to make a paste to put on her hair…WWII hair gel..yea, we did get closer and it seemed that all the bs that we had between us, just melted away.
it is a gift to be with someone and especially a parent. so much is exchanged, verbal, non-verbal and most of all, most important for me, is that i was able to put my life aside to do that. everything seems to stop in time….and the things that seemed sooooooo important, really aren’t at all!
i feel tremendously for you, joy and a bittersweetness, because i know a little of what you are feeling and going through.
it is so hard to be away from community…for me, it felt like my community was there with me every night when i went to starbucks to logon and get on our website and listserv….oh my!
my love to you christine….
my support and prayers are with you.
May 24, 2006 at 4:20 pm
Mary Beth
You are absolutely in the right place. A gift to your mom, sibs, yes; but it will be more than you can imagine a gift to YOU eventually.
With love and prayers.