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Things that make me smile these days:
1. people sharing amusing stories
2. flowers and trees budding out all over
3. children playing, laughing, just being children
4. the voices of my family
Buttons2_1 5. knitting socks
6. the gentle breeze that is the breath of God
7. savage chickens
8. this e-card

Things that make me choke up:
1. the previously planned meals still waiting in the freezer
2. the flowers and trees budding out all over
3. spring and summer
4. coming home at night
5. no bells in the night
6. going to bed
7. getting up in the morning
8. everything

It still feels unreal.  And each day I do a little something that brings it closer to reality.  I do them because I have to, not because I want to.  Reality is kind of over-rated, I think, right now.  It’s all so overwhelming and so the simplest thing seems the hardest.  So, when the Social Security Administration customer service fellow can’t find my father in the computer – well, I know what’s that’s like.  I smile because what held him up was my giving the wrong birthday… and how typical that is of me (and him.) 

I know everyone goes through this kind of loss sometime; and I’ve seen people survive it quite well… and know I will too… but, still.  I’m weepy every day.  And I don’t really want not to be weepy.  Hey, Jesus wept too.  I get it now.  I never truly did before.

March 2007
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