Something is shifting here.  Not sure I like it much, but it’s happening. 

I know well there is no comfort for this pain of parting: the wound always remains, but one learns to bear the pain, and learns to thank God for what He gave, for the beautiful memories of the past, and the yet more beautiful hope for the future.  — Max Muller

This book has been invaluable in helping me through each day.  I know I sound like a broken record (or no record at all – when I’m not blogging much), but the fact is most of my energy for the past couple of years has been focused on one task – taking care of Mom.  So without that focus, I’ve been a bit scattered (oh, who am I kidding? – I’ve been totally scattered, ship-wrecked, broken-hearted and wounded beyond my own expectations and perceived tolerance.)  In the midst of packing up her life; packing and moving my own life, working and trying to make decisions, I’ve been exhausted.

But the shift is happening that allows me to sleep through the night more often than not… get up pretty darn rested (except for the night seventy-two hours ago when I slept on a bench at O’Hare airport.)  I’m learning to be more grateful that I even had a mom like mine.  That I had MINE.  Smiling when I see her picture on my fridge; laughing with a joke she’d have so enjoyed; marveling at her violets which are blooming again after a long dormant season.  And grateful that she’s not suffering or struggling anymore.  The depth of the struggle, the personal losses of self and self-control that she weathered, the hard changes in personality and power: God, I’m so glad she’s not dealing with that anymore. 

And yesterday I found comfort in this song which came on when I happened to be listening:

All That We Let In
by the Indigo Girls

Oo… 
Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up
Heartsick we nursed along the way we picked up
You may not see it when it’s sticking to your skin
But we’re better off for all that we let in

Lost friends and loved ones much too young
So much promises and work left undone
When all that guards us is a single centerline
And the brutal crossing over when it’s time

Oo (I don’t know where it all begins)
Oo (And I don’t know where it all will end)
Oo (We’re better off for all that we let in)

One day those toughies will be withered up and bent
The father son the holy warriors and the president
With glory days of put up dukes for all the world to see
Beaten into submission in the name of the free

We’re in a revolution I have heard it said
Everyone’s so busy now but do we move ahead
The planets hurting and atoms splitting
And a sweater for your love you sit there knitting

Oo (I don’t know where it all begins)
Oo (And I don’t know where it all will end)
Oo (We’re better off for all that we let in)

See those crosses on the side of the road
Tied with ribbons in the median
They make me grateful I can go this far
Lay me down and never wake me up again

Kat writes a poem and she sticks it on my truck
We don’t believe in war and we don’t believe in luck
The birds were calling to her what were they saying
As the gate blew open the tops of the trees were swaying

I’ve passed the cemetery walk my dog down there
I read the names in stone and say a silent prayer
When I get home you’re cooking supper on the stove
And the greatest gift of life is to know love

Oo (I don’t know where it all begins)
Oo (And I don’t know where it all will end)
Oo (We’re better off for all that we let in)

Mom_and_me

five moth

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